apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
