I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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