Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
