Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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