I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
