you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
