I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
