We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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