Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
