3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
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I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
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I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial