Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
