best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
