So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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