toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
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After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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