Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
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It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
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Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize