my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
