Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
