I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
