I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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