New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
