Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize