I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
