If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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