im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.