I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
