fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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