My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.