Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
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Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
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All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.