Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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