No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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