My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
