I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
