Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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