Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
