I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
