My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
