Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
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He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.