Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
