Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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