I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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