I am in a vortex of obligation.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
