Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize