I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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