I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
