Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize