I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
