oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
