I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
