I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think i have herpe
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.