Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.