This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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