if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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